Local News – Winter 2007
Stranger Creek has a rich history, and many unique local traditions. Although almost everyone reads the town newspaper, it does not cover all the events of interest. For the deeper news, we must depend upon our friends in the community to check in and share their news, announce events, and post other items of interest here.
Out of town visitors will find this the best place to learn what’s really going on, what appears to be going on, or what may never happen at all.
Henderson's Weekly said,
January 4, 2007 at 11:10 am
REPORT ISSUED ON NATIVITY DISPLAY SHOOTING
The Stranger Creek Special Commission on Random Conflict released its report today on the nativity display shooting incident that took place last month. Most of the report reiterated details already known to the community, but this paper did learn that as a result of what Sheriff’s Deputy Bush McGintus called ‘serious interrogation’ conducted in the basement of the Courthouse, three of the shepherds who participated in the gun fighting that broke out, revealed that they were members of a political cell called ‘The Decembrists Collective’. This shadowy and hitherto unknown organization is believed to be possibly under the direction of the long missing student and poet Randolph David Emerson, whose whereabouts are still unknown. The shepherds admitted they had infiltrated the holiday pageant in the understanding that “some action would be coming down”. There appear to be no ties between ‘The Decembrist Collective’ and other organizations who have clashed with the Confederates in the past. The political sympathies of ‘The Decembrist Collective’ are not entirely clear but its association with Emerson suggests it may be an anarchist group of some sort. Before passing out under questioning, the shepherds said that “the sword of psychic jihad has been raised against all forms of conceptualized presupposition” and that it will not rest until “the numbing oppression of all forms of dogmatic slumber” had been lifted. Subsequent to the report being issued, the Town Council issued a warrant for the detention of Randolph David Emerson as a ‘person of interest’ for questioning. Meanwhile, Rod Tyler and other leaders of the Confederates of Northern Kansas have been placed under temporary house arrest until after the holidays. Tyler told the Weekly that he had expected such action and was holding up well under the situation, having laid in suitable provisions for the duration.
Henderson's Weekly said,
January 23, 2007 at 10:34 am
THEOSOPHICAL MUSEUM ACQUIRES MIRROR PORTAL
Last week the Stranger Creek Theosophical Museum acquired a new device for its Séance Room: a mirror portal. The mirror portal consists of a large circular black mirror mounted, to allow turning, in a frame of silver. The mirror rests on a block of black granite that was once part of a tomb. There are several carefully calibrated dials and knobs, marked by different letters of the Greek alphabet, that enable one to reach different frequencies along what is called the spectrum of Tireseas. The device is activated by the chanting of certain vowel sounds, best done between the hours of midnight and two in the morning, preferably in a cemetery or abandoned building of some sort, although a private room, darkened and dedicated to its purpose is also efficacious.
MERIT TREASURY UNDERGOES SOLVENCY CRISIS
Merit Treasury, one of Stranger Creeks twenty-one private treasuries, reported yesterday that it was undergoing a solvency crisis and asked for the patience of its shareholders. In recent years the accrual rate has dropped so far below the dispersal rate that current surpluses of merit are in danger of being depleted within the next five years.
“We have been forced to issue a ‘cautionary note’ to customers that dispersals will be limited to situations of genuine hardship,” chairman Joshua Parkinson said, “And once again we would like to make an appeal that everyone make the most of their opportunity to acquire merit, and be careful about losing it.”
Recent studies have shown that as much as 90% of merit is dispersed within three hours of its accrual. But there are great rewards for those who do manage to develop and stick to a personal merit plan. As Parkinson later told this reporter, the Bank now offers conscience deferred 401K private merit accounts in which the merit can be invested in a wide variety of upper bracket real estate ventures.
“Some people are doing very well when they finally cash their merit accounts in. We’re talking multi-million dollar custom homes on private golf courses in some of the most beautiful places you can imagine— with primal forests, mountains, waterfalls, oceans, virgin prairies. It definitely pays to save.”
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SPIRIT ASSURES ODDFELLOWS THAT HELL ISN’T SO BAD
On the other hand, Henderson’s received word a few days ago that Molly McFadden, a former Stranger Creek resident who left for Wichita in the late 70s, was contacted last week via a Séance held at the Oddfellows Club. Molly’s primary purpose in addressing the group was to assure those present that although most of them were damned like her, Hell “wasn’t as bad as some people made it out to be.”
“Yeah, we’ve been here ever since we got plastered, and crashed the Ford into the grain elevator. It’s a bitch but hey now we’re in Hell I gotta tell you it’s not such a terrible place. It’s really a lot like Wichita. Hot, dry, and not fancy at all. There aren’t any trees or parks or anything like that of course, but lots of malls, theme restaurants, and amusement parks. And the shopping is great. The place is just lined with boutiques and outlet stores. And the prices!! I don’t know how those devils make the stuff so cheap. You can watch big screen TV, bowl, drink beer, and lounge about all the time pretty much doing nothing. And the food isn’t too bad either – lots of burnt ends and smoked ribs, fries and wings, pork rinds – great pork rinds…Except for the fact that a lot of the help here have horns, I don’t think my husband would even realize we weren’t at home.”
Henderson's Weekly said,
February 11, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Platonic Club to Hold Lincoln’s Day Dinner
The Stranger Creek Platonic Club will hold its annual Lincoln’s Day Dinner at the Vienna Café beginning at 7PM on Monday, February 12th. All freedom loving Americans are invited, according to Club President Helmut Dakshunt.
The six course dinner will begin with pickled herring, liver dumpling soup and the café’s special Vienna rye crackers served with rounds of schnapps. Following this a selection of German sausage, sauerkraut and beers will be served. The third course will be roast duck with red cabbage served with a fine Riesling wine. The fourth course will consist of rouladen with potato pancakes accompanied by a dry Kabinett. Following this cheese and fruit will be offered with a Spatlese. The banquet will conclude with a sampling of Viennese pastries and coffee.
Per long tradition several songs will be offered up to the ancient Gods. As some guests may not be familiar with the lyrics to these tunes, they are presented here:
Joy to the Muses!
Joy to the Muses, Apollo and Zeus
Where men receive their lyres
Let all who are bards rejoice
To sing the hymns that Gods employ
Full of good joy and cheer
Full of strong wine and beer
Full of the love
Of nature dear
Hark the Herald Dionysus Sings!
Come Dio-ny-sus, thunder’s son
Glory be to the promised one
Bearer of vine of awesome might
God whose fruit is sheer delight
Hark the ecstatic visions sing
As maenads circle in a ring
Youthful Lord hear our voice
And in joyous bliss rejoice
Gods Rest Ye Merry Platonists!
Gods rest ye merry Platonists
For Kronus rules this day
To all who turn away from toil
The Isle of Bliss come neigh
To rescue us from foolish strife
And a life that’s gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy